More Lost Than Found

Have you ever sat for an extended period, free from the distractions of daily life and routine, only to be faced with a myriad of questions? Since returning to Australia nearly three months ago already, a substantial portion of my thinking has centered on these very questions. Perhaps it’s partly due to the realisation that at 40, I potentially have only 40 more years on this planet if I’m lucky—morbid, yes, but it’s a reality check. What do I want for the next 40 years? What truly makes me happy? What job do I enjoy doing?

Being back on Australian soil has brought with it a flood of questions about the direction my life is now going in, and all I feel is lost. Holding a particular vision of the future, only to have it halted for whatever reason, can be disheartening and throw a proverbial spanner in the works when trying to move forward. If you have a personality like mine, which seeks connection and joy in whatever you do, you too may struggle with this sense of limbo. The overwhelming confusion paralysing any motivation to do anything to remedy the situation.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I have sought professional help. Mental health is paramount, and feeling confident to seek help when needed should be more encouraged within our community than it currently is. I am now working with a leadership coach, but previously I tried speaking with a psychologist but I felt the progress in finding the guidance to unpack this feeling of being lost wasn’t happening as quickly as I’d like. The psychologist did give me a better understanding of how the psyche works and provided comfort in knowing that what I am currently experiencing is quite common for my age, especially for women.

It's important to remember that these periods of uncertainty are part of the human experience. They force us to reassess our priorities and dreams. I've found solace in simple pleasures – cooking the Italian food I love for my family, connecting with friends, and picking up new hobbies. Each small step brings a bit more clarity and peace.

I have discovered that feelings of duty, obligation, cultural and societal conditioning are deeply rooted in me. As children, we are taught to manage others’ expectations and to tiptoe around the delicate egos of adults, without considering that others might disappoint us. However, when we reach adulthood, the tables often turn, and it's the actions—or inactions - of others that trigger our disappointment. This gap between our expectations and reality can be frustrating. I’ve grappled with this disparity and the frustration of being misunderstood, especially now that my time overseas has started to shape who I am.

How do you handle disappointment as an adult? This question has been on my mind a lot lately, especially after returning to Australia, where I've been grappling with feelings of resentment and regret. My life’s direction, which I had meticulously planned for four years, has been derailed, and now I find myself in a country where I can't see a clear future. Returning "home" has only emphasised how much my perspective has shifted. It’s been a stark reminder of how profoundly my experiences have shaped me, and how much I've changed as a result.

Living abroad, away from the comforts of familiarity, has been a profound teacher. It’s taught me that it’s okay to feel vulnerable and to embrace those deep emotions because they are what make us human. I’ve become acutely aware of how my thoughts and experiences shape my feelings, an awareness that is now part of me, whether I like it or not. I’ve noticed that I’m more emotional, more prone to express my feelings rather than suppress them, and more reflective about the reasons behind these emotions. Keeping a journal has been a revelation—writing without an audience allows my true feelings and unfiltered thoughts to emerge. These pages often reveal a vulnerability I never knew existed.

As adults, disappointment is an inevitable part of life. Whether it’s the sting of betrayal or the ache of unmet expectations, we all have to learn to navigate these emotions in our own way. It’s about acknowledging the pain while also understanding our own role in the situation. Sometimes, it means setting boundaries and standing firm in our beliefs, which is a constant struggle for me as a people pleaser. Other times, it’s about finding comfort in knowing that our worth isn’t dependent on others' actions.

In the midst of life’s uncertainties, it's natural to find yourself pondering the path ahead, especially when faced with unexpected detours. But take heart, for within these moments of introspection lies the potential self-discovery and growth. As we journey through adulthood, it's essential to remember that seeking guidance and support is not a sign of weakness, but rather a step towards understanding ourselves more deeply. Whether through professional assistance or the solace of simple pleasures, every small action taken to find clarity brings us closer to our authentic selves. Challenges in life, serve as a testament to our resilience and capacity for hope. As we navigate the complexities of adulthood, let us embrace vulnerability, cultivate self-compassion, and hold fast to the belief that amidst uncertainty, there lies the promise of new beginnings and possibilities. So, as I rebuild the bank account until I can afford to return to Italy, I will continue to pursue activities that bring me joy, cocoon myself in the kitchen and put pen to paper to make sense of it all.